The Sporran Scottish
Pub Funnies
Why do blokes get married? So
they don't have to hold in their stomachs anymore.
A bloke walks into the bedroom to find his wife jumping up and down
on the bed. She says: "I've just had my annual check-up and the
doctor says I may be 45 but I've got the breasts of an 18-year-old."
Husband says : "What did he say about your 45-year-old arse?"
She says: "Oh, he didn't mention you, dear."
Why do blokes have legs? So the brains don't drag on the floor.
How do you spot the most popular guy in the nudist colony? He is the
one who can have a cup of coffee in each hand and still carry a dozen
doughnuts.
Two women are having a conversation about their guys. One said: "My
bloke says, he fantasised about having two girls at once. So I replied,
if you can't satisfy one woman why would you want to piss of two?"
Three women comparing their love-technic to cars. The first says: "My
lovers like a Rolls-Royce, sophisticated and comfortable." The
second says: "Mine is like a Ferrari, fast and powerful."
The third says: "Mine is like an old Morris Minor, you have to
start him by hand and jump on when it gets going."
What is the difference between a bloke and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
What is the difference between a bloke and a vibrator? A vibrator won't
make you sleep in a wet patch.
Why are women like computers? They are hard to figure out and never
have enough memory. They are suppose to help you solve your problems
but half the time they are the problem and as soon as you commit to
one, you realise, if you'd waited a little longer, you could have had
a better model.
Ten things bloke's know about women:
Why did God put bloke's sexual organ on the outside? So they remember,
where they are.
Why do Blonds like smart men? Opposites attract.
What's a bloke's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his
real name.
A Blond goes before a judge to try to get excused from jury service.
The judge asks why shy can't serve as a juror. She replies: "I
don't want to be away from my job for that long." "Can't they
do without you at work" says the judge? "Yes", says the
blond "But, I don't want them to know it."
An anthropologist decides to investigate the natives of a far-flung
tropical island. He flew there, found a guide with a canoe to take him
up the river to the remote site where he would make his collections.
About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear
drums. Being a city boy by nature, the anthropologist was disturbed
by this. He asked the guide, "What are those drums?" The guide
turned to him and said "Drums OK, but VERY BAD when they stop."
Then, after some hours, the drums suddenly stopped! This hit the anthropologist
like a ton of bricks, and he yelled at the guide: "The Drums have
stopped, what happens now?" The guide crouched down, covered his
head with his hands and said, "Oh no, drums stop - Bass Solo".
Musician: "Did you hear my last recital"? Friend: "I
hope so".
A violinist says to his wife, "Oh, baby, I can play you just like
my violin." "I'd rather have you play me like a harmonica!"
Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book
by a fan while in the greenroom after a concert. "There's not much
room on this page," he said. "What shall I write?" Another
violinist, standing by, offered the following helpful hint: "Write
your repertoire."
What's the difference between a banjo and a trampoline? You take your
shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
A researcher arrives in Borneo to gather data for his thesis. Accompanied
by his trusty guide, he seeks out a very remote locale for researching
the mating behavior of the giant rat of Sumatra. Around dusk of the
first day, he's sitting by the campfire with his guide when in the distance,
he hears tribal drums. They get louder. The guide announces, "I
don't like the sound of those drums." The dusk turns evening. The
drums get louder. The guide says, "I really don't like the sound
of those drums." Evening turns to dead of night. The drums get
louder and louder, until it is obvious that the drummers must be quite
close. The guide says again, "I really don't like the sound of
those drums." Suddenly the drums stop, and a voice from the darkness
cries out, "Hey man, he's not our regular drummer!"
How can you tell that there's a drummer at your front door? The knocking
gets faster and faster.
How can you tell that there's a vocalist at your front door? She forgot
the key and doesn't know when to come in.
How does an italian fix a broken tuba? With a tuba glue.
How do you turn a duck into a soul artist? Put it in the oven until
its Bill Withers.
A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I haven't
had a bowel movement in a week!" The doctor gives him a prescription
for a mild laxative and tells him, "If it doesn't work, let me
know." A week later the guy is back: "Doc, still no movement!"
The doctor says, "Hmm, guess you need something stronger,"
and prescribes a powerful laxative. Still another week later the poor
guy is back: "Doc, STILL nothing!" The doctor, worried, says,
"We'd better get some more information about you to try to figure
out what's going on. What do you do for a living?" "I'm a
musician." The doctor looks up and says, "Well, that's it!
Here's $10.00. Go get something to eat!"
What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians? A drummer.
Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car? So they
can park in the handicapped space.
Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the
car? It took two hours to get the drummer out.
What do you call a drummer that breaks up with his girlfriend? Homeless.
Johnny: "mum, I want to be a drummer when I grow up!" Mom:
"But Johnny, you can't do both."
A drummer was sick of all the drummer jokes so he decides to change
to guitar. He goes into a shop and says to the shop assistant: "ok,
I want a guitar, one of those red ones like that Jimi Clapton plays,
one of those big boxes that makes it loud, yeah, and one of those things
you put on the floor to make it sound dead good, oh, and that little
plastic thing you have to hold. Now, I've got fifty quid here so I want
the best" The shop assistant looks at him, and says "you're
a drummer aren't you?" "Yeah! How did you know man?"
"This is a fish and chip shop."
The same drummer, having given up wanting to be a guitarist, decides
the accordion might be easier. So he finds a proper music store this
time and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions,
please." The owner points to a section in the corner and says "All
our accordions are over there." After browsing, the drummer says,
"I'd like the big one in the corner." The store owner looks
at him and says, "You're a drummer, aren't you?" "Yeah!
How did you know man?" "That's the radiator."
